Several days ago someone kidnapped Santa. They left a ransom note that read, "Alright you beggars, I've kidnapped Santa Clause. Send me $1 million and I'll release him in time for Christmas. Otherwise you're gettin' nothin'. Nothin' I tell ya. Now cough up the bucks or Santa's toast."
The kidnapper's plan didn't work. There was a chorus of: "Keep Santa, I'm having more fun with the million dollars." Several others wanted to stop Christmas altogether. "It's too costly and out of control," they raged. "It only benefits the stores." Santa listened with keen ears.
The kidnapper was bummed by the response, so lowered his ransom to a thousand dollars. But this wasn't the worst of it for the kidnapper. After a week he sent out a message:
I released Santa after kidnapping him for ransom. It's like the Ransom of Red Chief, or Dennis the Menace in Kidnapped. He keeps singing Christmas songs like Rudolph, shouting "Ho, ho, ho," calling his reindeer by name, and shouting "It'll put your eye out kid!" Then "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."
He's nuts, I tell ya, nuts! He driving me crazy! No wonder Mrs. Clause sends him out on these long journeys - she can't stand him.
Go! Be off. Get out of here!
He won't leave! He just picks up another cookie, drinks another glass of milk, and winks at me like it's an inside joke. Somebody come and get this kook! I'll pay you to take him away.
Santa is so traumatized by the kidnapper that he fumes, and thunders against humanity. People would rather fight than get along. People would rather be stingy than help others.
As usual, Christmas can't come until people have a change of heart. Where is the hero to save the day? Everywhere Santa goes he causes chaos and no one can talk sense into him. No one can defend humanity.
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